Never Piss off a Tactician: The curse of
by Darkeyes17
Summary: G1 complete: Utter crack. Prowl is pissed off that he missed his anniversary with his bondmate. Now, he aims to take revenge on the Decepticons. Megatron, watch out!


**A/N: I couldn't work on smut. Or on my ongoing fics. I wanted to write something crack-y. So you got this from me. Thank my muse, she's being a bitch lately. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I saw something a bit similar to this, and it's where I get my inspiration from. **

**Warnings; Complete and utter crack**

**Disclaimer: No…I don't own TF's. Or any songs that may pop on this.**

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><p><strong>Never Piss Off a Tactician: The Curse of the Caramelldancen. <strong>

* * *

><p>"Get him to the medbay!"<p>

"Quick, weld that gash, he's leaking too much."

"I know that!"

It was chaos in the hallways leading into the Ark as Jazz was rushed to the medbay by Ratchet, courtesy of a shot from Blitzwing and Megatron hitting the saboteur at the same time, tearing away essential pieces of plating and melting circuits together. Prowl sped alongside the ambulance, glad the battle was over so he could tend to his mate and not have his processor warring with his logic computer.

"Thank Primus I left First Aid prepping," Ratchet said as they rounded the corner, their alt modes screeching into the medbay.

Prowl didn't reply, instead yanking the ambulance doors open and taking his energon streaked lover out and positing him on a berth, gripping a hand and rubbing over the weakly moaning mechs helm.

"P…p - fzzt – p-ro-olwer," gasped Jazz, writhing in pain as Ratchet transformed and got servos deep in his wounds, sealing off all the main lines and disabling as many pain sensors as it was safe to.

"Save your strength. You took quite a blow," Prowl said tersely. What he didn't mention is that his battle computer predicted only a 54% chance of Jazz being in the clear tonight. He hated those odds, but didn't dare open up their bond to try and calm his mate. The backlash of pain would turn their walls to dust. He was barely keeping his emotional centre under control as he watched the medic attempt to fix the mangled body of his mate.

Only time would tell if Jazz would pull through.

* * *

><p>When Jazz came back to consciousness once more, there was no frenzy or chaos around him. Ratchet was nowhere in sight. The medbay was dark, and the only thing he was aware of was the pressure of a hand on his left hand. Ignoring the slight twitches of pain, the saboteur turned his helm and his expression softened when he glimpsed Prowl, recharging in a chair, but his helm lying on the berth next to their intertwined hands.<p>

Checking his chronometer, Jazz realised that two days had passed since the battle. He winced when he realised that yesterday had been his and Prowl's bonding anniversary. Prowl had been planning something special for them, although he didn't know what. He felt frustrated for a moment. His bondmate had actually taken a few days off for them to really enjoy themselves and their time away from the Ark.

Sensing that his mate was awake, the Praxian jolted up, optics almost short circuiting as he woke, noticing the visored gaze on him.

"Thank Primus you're awake," the tactician whispered, giving the hand threaded through his a squeeze and bringing it up to his lips to kiss it.

"Ah didn't mean to worry ya," said Jazz.

"I know you didn't," acknowledged Prowl with a rueful expression, "but it doesn't mean I don't worry regardless. How are you feeling? Do you need me to get Ratchet for anything?"

"Nah babe…all Ah need is you," replied the saboteur with a watery grin.

Prowl was unconvinced, but knew that Jazz would ask for pain relief if he felt he truly needed it. With a sigh, he leaned closer to his lover, absentmindedly stroking the hand in his and murmuring, "Happy Anniversary to us Jazz. Unfortunately…my gift has been ruined because of this battle."

Jazz immediately felt an illogical guilt and his lips turned down in a frown. "Aw baby, it's okay. We'll just go when Ah'm out. Shouldn't be more than a few days, and we can go then."

Prowl smirked, but Jazz could tell immediately it was devoid of hope or mirth. "No, actually. There is no other way to arrange the duty rosters to accommodate the both of us until two months time. Our time slot has come and gone. I'm so sorry I cannot provide the celebration we so rightly deserve," the doorwinged mech said quietly in a disheartened tone. It made the visored mech stretch out his love and his comfort over their bond, and Prowl latched onto it.

"Sweetspark, these things happen. It's a war ya know," Jazz supplied, not liking the explanation, however true.

Huffing in agitation, Prowl grumbled, "Stupid Decepticons. The one thing that we want to do away from this Primus-forsaken war and they manage to frag everything up! I just…I want some time alone with you, dearspark."

Jazz knew that his bondmate was really affected. He used more than one curse word and his doorwings were hiked up in an angry 'v' on his back, displaying his agitation.

An idea suddenly occurred to the saboteur and a quick grin flittered across his faceplates. Pulsing through the bond, he waited until his distraught and guilty lover looked at him before asking, "Ya wanna get revenge on the yella bellied dirty Con's for ruinin' our getaway?"

"Jazz, what do you – oh…Yes…actually…yes I do," murmured Prowl thoughtfully, a wicked idea formulating in his processor. As soon as he locked optics with Jazz, he knew they were on the same wavelength.

"Go plan it out, baby. Just do me a favour and set up some camera's will ya? Ah don't want to miss any of the action."

"Oh, I will," promised Prowl, a smirk on his face and doorwings fluttering in satisfaction as he turned and left the medbay, although not without pressing a chaste kiss to his lover's lips before he left.

He would teach his enemies to respect a bondmate's anniversary.

* * *

><p>He was as silent as a shadow, slipping into his enemies base and letting off the 'sleeping' gas bomb in a strategically placed vent. He put a filter over his vents beforehand so he wouldn't be affected by it. When he was sure the gas had worked, he set up. He had a plan.<p>

It was going to work, and when it did, he and his mate would be watching.

Revenge would be too sweet.

* * *

><p>The cheeping of a bird was what woke Megatron up.<p>

The warlord had been in a deep and wonderful recharge when the annoying sounds prompted his systems to cycle up. Growling, he onlined his crimson optics, frowning. He didn't have an alarm clock, and the sound of a bird was so heavily artificial. Turning his helm to the side, the grey mech was momentarily stunned by the sight of a yellow bird-shaped alarm clock, which was cheeping happily and moving along with the noise.

Megatron narrowed his optics. Which fool had been so brave and so idiotic to prank him in this fashion? Granted, he would give them credit for not waking him, but still.

Reaching over and forming his hand into a fist, the Decepticon leader felt a great deal of satisfaction once the irritating noise stopped and the bird alarm clock was nothing more but plastic and wires in his hand.

Grumbling and knowing he would just have to get out of his berth anyway, Megatron got up and headed out towards the command centre. As he went, he noticed that everything was quiet. Too quiet.

Perhaps Starscream was planning something?

He keyed in his code, and he walked in.

As soon as he sat on his throne, however, the strangest thing happened.

Out of the speakers around the base suddenly crackled to life and an upbeat song began to play. The bright, cheerful sound instantly grated on Megatron's audials and he snarled. First his alarm. Now a song. Which. Sounded. Too. Happy. Now the only question to ask was which of his wonderfully _idiotic _soldiers had decided they had a death wish. He could feel his fusion cannon humming in anger on his arm.

"Gah! This is simply gastly!"

"Ah, so Starscream, this is not your handiwork?" asked Megatron, voice hard, trying to tune out the song…now there was a childish voice singing it.

_We wonder, are you ready to join us now?  
>Hands in the air, we will show you how<br>Come and try, Caramell will be your guide  
>So come on move your hips<br>Singing woa-oa-oa  
>Look at you, two clicks<br>Do it la-la-la  
>You and me, can sing this melody<em>

"Pfft, no. There are easier ways to annoy you," the Seeker spat back.

Megatron scowled, but knew by his SIC's conduct that he was actually telling the truth. Glaring at the speakers in the ceiling, he opened a base comm. and ordered, "Soundwave to the command centre now!"

Not a few moments later did the telepath come in. His gait and posture were the same as always. However, if the visor and mask were taken away, Megatron was sure his third would have been grimacing. He could share the sentiment behind it. Crossing his arms, he asked, "Find the source of this infernal music. Now!"

(_Owa-o-wa-wao)  
>Dance to the beat, wave your hands together<br>Come feel the heat, forever and forever  
>Listen and learn, it is time for prancing<br>Now we are here, we're Caramelldansen!_

"Source: human music," the blue mech intoned.

"Why is it on our speakers?" hissed the warlord in irritation.

Soundwave was silent for a minute before he said in his monotone, "Decepticons: none are the cause. Reason: none have a death wish. Source: currently unknown."

"Then get it known!" yelled Megatron thunderously. The tune was making his derma plating crawl from the sheer bubbly nature of it.

_From Sweden to UK, we will bring our song  
>Australia, USA, and people at Hong Kong<br>They have heard, this means all around the world_

_(Owa-owa-ao)_  
><em>So come on move your hips,<em>  
><em>Singing Woa-oa-oa<em>  
><em>Look at you, two clicks<em>  
><em>Do it la-la-la<em>  
><em>You and me,<em>  
><em>Can sing this melody<em>

"Affirmative," Soundwave said, turning and marching out of the room.

"What the hell is a Caramelldansen?" screeched Starscream over the noise, looking just as peeved as his leader.

His gaze becoming like a the force of a thousand sharp knives, Megatron turned and growled at the Seeker, "Do I look like the mech who knows?"

Sneering, the tricoloured mech said, "You never know oh mighty leader. You might just be bored of running this faction sometimes."

Swinging his fist and almost catching his second on his wing, Megatron barked, "Go and help find a solution, before I-"

_Vop!_

"Hi guys! Isn't this great?" interrupted a new voice. The voice of a certain flying teleporter who was now grinning at his leader.

"Skywarp! What are you doing you dolt?" Starscream asked incredulously. His trinemate seemed to be dancing…if it could even be _called _dancing.

Skywarp only grinned wider and kept shaking his hips from side to side as he made odd motions with his hands above his helm. "Why, I'm doing the Caramelldansen silly! It's a great song choice you two. One of the most awesome morning wake up calls in like….ever!"

_So come and dance to the beat, wave your hands together  
>Come feel the heat, forever and forever<br>Listen and learn, it is time for prancing,  
>Now we are here, we're Caramelldansen!<em>

_Dance to the beat, wave your hands together_  
><em>Come feel the heat, forever and forever<em>  
><em>Listen and learn, it is time for prancing<em>  
><em>Now we are here, we're Caramelldansen!<em>

"We did not put this travesty of music on for any purpose whatsoever," grumbled Megatron, his murderous glare now on the younger Seeker, who was still happily bopping along to the beat. Skywarp stopped immediately and looked at the warlord and his Air Commander in confusion. He finally understood why his leaders looked irritated and he giggled. His giggles escalated to laughter when the song wound to a halt…only to begin again.

"Looks like we've been pranked!" the teleporter exclaimed with a grin.

"Yes. Now get out!" roared Megatron, finally losing his patience with the black and purple Seeker. Saluting merrily, Skywarp warped out of the command centre just as Starscream rubbed his nasal ridge in a human gesture of frustration.

"Well," said the Seeker out loud to himself, "this explains the unicorn alarm clock that woke me this morning. It must be tied into this…prank."

Looking in bewilderment at his second, Megatron asked, "You got an alarm clock as well?"

Suspicious now, Starscream replied, "Yes…it neighed repeatedly until I shot it with a null ray. Did you receive one as well?"

"A bird. Who would have the ball bearings to-"

"An Autobot obviously. This seems like their idea of a joke," the flier broke in thoughtfully, trying in vain to ignore the annoying, yet catchy, tune playing throughout the base. "The question is, which one would be stupid enough to bring the wrath of the Decepticon army upon their helms. Perhaps that red idiot, Sideswipe."

"I don't give a flying frag in space. I want their helms on a platter and this INFERNAL MUSIC OFF!" bellowed Megatron as the volume only seemed to increase, the sound filling his senses.

* * *

><p>Much to the ire of Megatron, the 'infernal music' had proved a devil to remove. It had taken the processor power of Starscream, Soundwave, and Scrapper before they were able to turn the music down. That had taken them 45 minutes, the same song repeating over and over again, while the grey warlord paced the command centre in an increasingly annoyed mood.<p>

They had struggled for another two hours, trying to find and isolate the hack proving to be a more difficult job than expected.

After no less than four temper tantrums from the tricoloured Seeker, and Megatron blowing holes into two of the many speakers in the control room, they finally, _finally_, were able to take the song off the general system.

Skywarp had been the only one who missed it. He had been dancing along quite happily the whole time.

* * *

><p><em>Meanwhile, at the Ark<em>

Jazz howled with laughter as the console at the end of the berth played the chaos that went on in the Nemesis, shown by the strategically placed mini-camera's that Prowl had installed.

"I'm glad you find it so amusing," Prowl said, trying for nonchalance, but smirking. The reactions were _exactly_ what he had calculated them to be. Starscream's shriek at the unicorn alarm clock had been immensely satisfying. As well as multitudes of other carnage. Like Ravage banging his head on a wall while the condor twins hid their helms under their wings in Soundwave's quarters. And Motormaster trying to leap up and rip out the speaker in the Stunticon quarters, only to trip and fall flat on his face.

Jazz's favourite was seeing Thundercracker discreetly open the tower to the surface and fly out. He swore the camera had picked up a faint scream of 'Freedom!'

"Amusin'? Babe, this is the best anniversary present you could ever give me."

Prowl's smirk turned to a startling smile of fiendish delight. Jazz thought it made his mate look more attractive than ever. "And it gets better," he promised the healing saboteur.

* * *

><p>Megatron relaxed into his throne. He had just sat down, processor aching from that audial breaking song. If it could even be called a song. Now, he could finally get busy doing what he usually did best. Running an army and planning for wreaking destruction. He sighed happily at the thought of meeting the unfortunate Autobot who dared break into the Nemesis and <em>prank<em> them so childishly. Perhaps it was that invisible spy? Or maybe those hellion twins? Somehow?

He was just about to turn and ask Starscream to check who had been on monitor duty and _why_ hadn't they noticed anything, when a low hum sounded from underneath his throne.

The grey mech tensed. His throne was a static thing. Why was it humming?

Suddenly it lifted up a bit and an overly tinny and cheerful voice emanated from a speaker above. "Welcome to the bucking throne! Hold on and try to beat your high score!"

_Bucking throne?_

Megatron found his question answered as the chair lurched to the left, to the right, back forward, to the right once more, left-back-left in rapid succession. It was all he could do to clench onto the arms of the seat as the room span in front of his optics. "Turn it off!" he yelled as his throne span dizzily to the left, and then abruptly – almost causing him to fly off it – switched directions and begun to spin it the other way. It was havoc on his equilibrium chip as the thing that made his throne like this moved and swivelled in all directions at a tank-turning speed. He couldn't tell what was up and what was down after a while.

And then the throne tipped forward and he found he lost the strength to hold on.

Falling to the floor with an audible clang, Megatron groaned, not bothering to move.

Starscream was torn between sneering in disgust and smirking. "Couldn't handle it?" he asked mildly.

"Shut…up…" growled Megatron, turning his helm to glare back at his throne, which had sunk back to its normal position. "You do it then."

Turning back to the monitors and feigning innocence, the Seeker replied, "No thank you. I rather like my dignity at the moment."

The warlord sneered, standing up and stilling his movements to allow his equilibrium to return. He thanked Unicron that only Starscream was around to watch his degrading fall off his throne. Grabbing a spare chair, he instead sat next to his throne, glaring at it. They had peace in the command centre until the speakers crackled ominously. Megatron looked up, optics widening, before he hissed at his second, "I thought you fixed this!"

Starscream hissed back, "I thought we did too!"

A completely new song came on, just as annoying and grating as the first. The tinny, overly pop voice of a girl – or was it a boy? No, it had to be a girl, it was too feminine for it to be anything but – began to sound.

_Ohh wooaah [x3]_

_You know you love me, I know you care_  
><em>Just shout whenever, and I'll be there<em>  
><em>You want my love, you want my heart<em>  
><em>And we will never ever ever be apart<em>

_Are we an item? Girl, quit playing_  
><em>We're just friends, what are you saying?<em>  
><em>Say there's another and look right in my eyes<em>  
><em>My first love broke my heart for the first time<em>  
><em>And I was like...<em>

_Baby, baby, baby oooh_  
><em>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<em>  
><em>Like baby, baby, baby oooh<em>  
><em>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>

Megatron's optic twitched while Starscream looked up at the speaker in horror. Within seconds the two commanders were swamped with frantic comm. calls.

::Turn it off, turn it off! Turn this slag off before I-::

::My audials are bleeding! It's horrible!::

::AAAHHHH!::

::Wow, didn't know you liked Justin Beaver Megatron.::

::If this is a new method to spur us to work harder and complain less sirs, I'm not sure if this is the most orthodox method.::

::SHUT UP!:: bellowed the Decepticon leader over the comm. lines, ::It's that fragging Autobot glitch!::

_Baby, baby, baby oooh  
>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<br>Like baby, baby, baby oooh  
>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>

_For you I would have done whatever_  
><em>And I just can't believe we ain't together<em>  
><em>And I wanna play it cool, but I'm losin' you<em>  
><em>I'll buy you anything, I'll buy you any ring<em>  
><em>And I'm in pieces, baby fix me<em>  
><em>And just shake me 'til you wake me from this bad dream<em>  
><em>I'm going down, down, down, down<em>  
><em>And I just can't believe my first love won't be around<em>

_And I'm like_  
><em>Baby, baby, baby oooh<em>  
><em>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<em>  
><em>Like baby, baby, baby oooh<em>  
><em>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>

_Baby, baby, baby oooh_  
><em>Like baby, baby, baby nooo<em>  
><em>Like baby, baby, baby oooh<em>  
><em>I thought you'd always be mine (mine)<em>

Starscream was bashing the buttons to the sound system, screaming at Soundwave over the comm. ::Help me fix this! Help me you fool, before we all go mad!::

There was no reply, but the music at least got turned down so that it was softer. However, the damage had been done, and the overly sickly happy tune was burned into the processors of each mech who had heard it. Megatron's left optic couldn't stop twitching as the song restarted. Rounding on Starscream, he snarled, "Fix it," and stormed off.

* * *

><p>The left optic twitch had become permanent.<p>

When Soundwave had _finally_ managed to get the music off, a series of songs (which repeated themselves at least 5 times!) followed soon after. One done by a frog, another about finding love in a 'hopeless place,' and lastly, one about some dance called a 'Macerena.'

Megatron had seen Skywarp dancing to that last one, and it had taken all of his will power not to crush the teleporter.

But now, everything was silent.

* * *

><p>Jazz was now bellowing with laughter as he watched an excitable Skywarp drag his Aerial commander into doing the Macarena once more. He kept replaying it, the outraged and horrified expression Starscream had was simply too good for words.<p>

Prowl sat next to his beloved, smirking. He was very pleased with his achievements.

"Oh baby…tell me there's more!" the saboteur crowed gleefully.

With a wicked gleam in his optic, Prowl promised, "Just the final encore."

* * *

><p>Megatron woke, warily scanning his room.<p>

There was nothing.

No obnoxious music, no annoying devices….

Perhaps the Autobot thought that enough was enough?

He hoped so as he sat up, making sure his fusion cannon was in complete working order as he did so. He wanted revenge. And he wanted it now.

As the doors to his quarters opened, he detected nothing unusual. The corridor leading to his solitary rooms was empty, the walls smooth. Nothing indicating that there was anything in store for him. Optics wary, he stepped into the corridor. And then another step. And then he began to walk slowly, almost awkwardly.

Just when he thought he was home free and allowed to venture into the main hallways of his warship, there were electrical clicking noises echoing around him. The grey mech stopped stock still, trying to fortify himself for what might happen next. In all his years as Decepticon leader, he had never had such a horrible past few days. It had him at wits end. He would rather fight a week long battle than face horrible songs and bucking thrones.

Megatron's worst fears were answered as the ceilings parted above him, like clouds parting the heavens, and giant paint balloons began to tumble from them.

Megatron looked up, saw the huge pink balloon coming for him…

…and promptly screamed like a little girl.

The balloon obeyed the forces of gravity and fell upon Megatron, bursting it's full load of pastel pink paint all over the warlord.

"**FRAGGING AUTOBOTS!**" he bellowed as he ran, more corridor ceilings opening to release their loads of balloons filled with all types of coloured paint. He tried to escape to the command centre, and in the process the layer of pink he wore was complimented by a ghastly shade of neon purple, muddy brown, vermillion, and daffodil yellow.

When he reached the centre, everything went to hell. The roof exploded with feathers, sequins, dirt, and more balloons filled with paint.

From the yells echoing through their underwater base, it seemed like the rest of his faction was receiving the same treatment too.

Raising his helm, he screeched, "**CURSE YOU! CURSE Y-"**

But not before a balloon promptly landed in his mouth and burst.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Jazz continued to laugh himself silly at the chaos, hugging his beloved and saying happily, "Aw Prowler, this is awesome. I can't wait until we get our real anniversary getaway though. It'll be <em>so good<em> to have ya all to myself."

The tactician nodded, agreeing. "I just hope the Decepticons are a little less…zealous from now on. Or I may have to continue such childish, if entertaining, endeavours."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Yep, this is complete and total crack!**

**Don't know why I wrote it. Just felt like torturing the Cons with a bit of revenge a la Prowl. **

**Review! I laughed so hard while I was writing it XD**


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